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You know what the critics
always say about TV: Nothing but sex and violence. And with programs such
as "The Sopranos," "24," "Deadwood" and "CSI," the viewer-discretion labels are thicker than
ever. It's a dangerous world out there, and if Jack Bauer isn't executing
a terrorist in an abandoned warehouse, then Jack Massarone is getting
found in a car trunk with a golf club cover stuffed in his mouth. But as
the body counts add up, don't you just want to take your favorite
characters aside and give them some wholesome advice?
How does a
well-meaning -- or even totally despicable -- secondary
character survive your
average prime-time thriller? We asked ourselves
that question and came up with some
homespun wisdom for the common
antagonist.
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'24'
No matter who you are in "24," you can't
expect to survive longer than three seasons. Even President Palmer,
the craftiest, most moral president ever to not really exist, got
the sniper treatment in this season's first episode. But lucksters
such as Chloe the programmer and Aaron the Secret Service agent all
have one thing in common: They do their jobs, fast. We recommend a
desk job at CTU, although you never know when a group of militiamen
will smuggle a bomb onto the premises -- or nerve gas. Try not to
trust your superiors too much, or your spouse, or anyone with an
accent. And if you can help it, don't be Jack Bauer's daughter. But
most of all, living in Los Angeles just isn't worth all the hassles
-- viruses, martial law, atomic bombs. Try somewhere else, like
Aruba.
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'House'
If
there's anything we've learned from this heart-pounding,
brain-bending hospital drama, it's this: If you're House's patient,
you're already pretty much screwed. But if you have to get put under
his ethically confounding knife, definitely trust the good doctor's
advice, because getting a second opinion usually means organ failure
or a few hits with the paddle -- and who wants to tell TV's most
arrogant surgeon that he was right the whole
time? | |
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'Deadwood'
When
"Deadwood" is your hometown's name, and the preferred description is
"lawless," you can bet that life ain't gonna be pretty. Unlike
clean-'n'-orderly places such as hospitals and counterterrorism
units, the world of 1877 is a cutthroat place (literally), where you
gotta learn from other folks' mistakes: Don't be rude to Dority, or
you'll get your throat slit. Same goes for telling people about
Wolcott's secrets, or refusing to sell a claim to Wolcott, or
touching Wolcott, or even being Wolcott. Be complimentary
to Wu -- he likes that -- but try to steer conversation away
from his pig farm. And whatever you do, don't take a leak on Harry
Young's cuspidor. It may be the Wild West, but that's just
rude -- and bad for your health. | |
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'Lost'
The rule of
thumb with "Lost" is that you should
steer clear of the Mondo Big Secret That "Lost" Fans Can't Stop
Talking About -- or any hint of the "others," who are frankly just
freaking us out. Another hint: The closer you get to doing something
handy, the more likely you are to have close calls with local
tribesmen, get backstabbed by your fellow strandees or stumble into
a natural pitfall (you try to build a raft and suddenly get
gut-wrenchingly ill, or you try to open an airplane hatch and people
have to get all hurt). Then again, just being on
the island is pretty bad for your general well-being. We recommend a
starring role in the next spin-off:
"Found." | |
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