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By Sean Nelson Special to MSN Movies
Summer is here, and with it blockbuster season at the movies. Big events this
year include the return of Indiana Jones and "X-Files" agents Mulder and Scully, Hulk and Batman sequels,
a film version of the '60s TV series "Get Smart," plus vehicles for funnymen Mike Myers, Will Smith, Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell, and a rash of other big budget
extravaganzas.
Odds are good that many of these pictures will prove popular with moviegoers,
who, as we all know, will see just about anything a good ad campaign tells them
to. Odds are even better that many, if not most, of these films will suck, hard.
There are plenty of reasons movies conceived to be big moneymakers don't age
well -- the cheap thrills, special effects and so-called "high concepts"
associated with blockbusters tend to wear thin on repeated viewings, and once
the marketing wears off all that's left is a dim memory of being pandered to for
a couple of hours in a room full of strangers. You can't even really blame the
filmmakers, except in some cases (see below). After all, the more people you
have to please, the less you're able to say.
In fairness, not all blockbusters are bad; take a stroll down the top 20
moneymakers of all time and you're likely to find several titles that qualify as
legitimate classics. But as studios feel the pressure to put up bigger and
bigger numbers, the bigger hits start feeling like bigger disappointments as
years (and DVDs) go by. Here's a list of some of the box office's worst
successes, with a couple of lifetime achievement awards included to dishonor two
repeat offenders.
"Star Wars" Episodes I, II, III (1999, 2002, 2005)
This tale has been told many times, but it bears repeating. When George Lucas reopened the Pandora's box of his "Star Wars" series to make three "prequels" for a new
generation of consumers, he ruined everything. Even the original trilogy now
feels like some kind of weird suppressed memory. Looking back, weren't they kind
of chintzy and awful, too? They certainly are now with all the digital changes
Lucas has added. But, by contrast with the new trio, Episodes IV, V and VI are "The Godfather" I and II and "Citizen Kane"! Forget Jar Jar Binks -- "The Phantom Menace,"
"Attack of the Clones" and "Revenge of the Sith" were all born dead, victims of
lazy and cynical writing, filmmakers more interested in technological
breakthroughs than in captivating viewers and, ultimately, a lack of vision.
Lucas knew people would come see anything that said "Star Wars" on it, so he
killed the goose to see where the gold came from. Even the force can't save him
now.
"E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial" (1982)
Not so fast, Spielberg. You may be respectable now with your "Schindler's List" and your "Saving Private Ryan," and you may have hit a few home runs
with movies about dinosaurs and sharks and the like, but let us never forget
that you once made the most preposterously sentimental and manipulative film
ever, and you put a puppet with a glowing finger in the middle of it. When I was
9 years old, I cried at the sight of Elliott being forced to say goodbye to his
one and only true friend, the little Reese's Pieces-loving (nice marketing,
there, by the way) potato head, because I, too, was a child of divorce, and I
knew how it felt to feel alone. Looking back now, I feel cheated out of those
tears and incredulous that the whole world once lined up to see such a cheap
looking toy tear a little boy's heart out.
"Home Alone," "Home Alone 2" (1990, 1992)
Speaking of little boys, here's a movie that no one could have seen
coming. (Well, two movies, actually, but they're identical.) An adorable little
towhead gets accidentally ditched by his family, then spends 100 minutes playing
in an empty house and sadistically pummeling two hapless burglars using
techniques devised by Bugs Bunny. If it sounds like it was created by a machine,
it was. (Story Continues On Next Page...) |